Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
