I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
