bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
