Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
