Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
