Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
