I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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