So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
