Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize