No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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