The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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