This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
