So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
