I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
