I wish I could teleport
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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