Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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