ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
