I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
