he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I cut my penus on the lid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
