alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
