My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
