Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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