She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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