Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
