he wants to bone in the snuggie
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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