I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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