Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
