please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
