apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
