i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
