According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize