Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
