i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Me too!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
