I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
