his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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