You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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