Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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