do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize