I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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