I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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