how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize