your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
