woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
