I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
