Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
