I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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