Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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