I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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