I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
