did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dick has a subreddit
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
