In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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