If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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