i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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