Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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