He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
