420 ftw
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
