Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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