I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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