i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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