Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
