Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize