i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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