sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How external is "for external use only"?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
