If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
