if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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