Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
