yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
